Eyes are watching

For as long as I can remember, there has been some form of a person in my life who is..weird. Weird like they genuinely don’t like me, but always find a way to be in my space. When I was younger this came in the form of step parents and “friends.” Some of my dad’s girlfriends had such a strange fixation on me, it was somewhat obsessive. They despised me in a way that they didn’t to my older sister, but they wouldn’t leave me alone. Same with some of my friends, everything would be fine and then there would eventually be a switch. It seemed like a lot of people going out of their way to be in my life just so they could mistreat me. I also didn’t learn how to create boundaries until years later, so this was a period of suffering and confusion. It was so odd. I didn’t understand this when I was growing up because I was so consumed with trying to make it from one day to the next. Having time and the bandwidth to put 2 and 2 together is a privilege. One thing that I understood was that being poor, black and awkward, the world will try and convince you that you’re nothing. I eventually realized that the there’s something in me that refuses to be dismissed. I have a light that can’t be turned off, but it has been dimmed sometimes though. I felt like so many people would seek me out just to try to break me. It was like they were on a mission. But I didn’t see what other people saw in me. I would try to shrink and accept the poor treatment, but they still wouldn’t leave me alone. When I defended myself, it was “how dare you have self respect!” For some reason, so many people wanted me to believe that I was worthless and I deserved poor treatment. I’m so grateful that this version of me is able to identify well intentioned people and be selective about who I share space with. It took a lot of suffering and lonely nights to get here, but I’m here!! (In my Celie voice) It feels so good to know that I’m deserving of love, community, care and abundance. There was a time in my life that I would confuse what I’m offered with what I’m worth, never again. It feels great to be that gworl, cheers bitches!!