Fighting hopelessness

So last week I decided that I was going to return to the gym for the first time in a few years. I choose Saturday (yesterday) to give myself time to mentally prepare and get my ducks in a row. My sister and I also made a pact that we would both be returning to the gym on the same day, so we could hold each other accountable. My Saturday was going great, I made breakfast in the morning and prepared to structure my day so that I would have time to go workout in the afternoon. I ended up dozing off and waking up around 5:30 pm. My inner dialogue is, "The gym closes soon and I kinda don't want to go....but I need to show up for myself." So, I hop in the shower, put on a cute gym fit and proceed to head to the gym. I call an uber because I've been dealing with driving anxiety, but that doesn't matter anyways because I go outside to discover that my car is gone. The uber is on the way, but where is my car?!?! I'm in distress at this point on the phone with my sister just panicking, but she convinces me to still go to the gym. I eventually arrive at the gym and do 7 sorry ass minutes on the elliptical. Seven minutes. I ended up just heading home to figure out WHERE TF MY CAR IS!! On the brighter side, a lot of towing places are 24 hours, so I begin to call around. I'm not getting any luck with locating my car, and I'm trying to not dissolve into a puddle of tears and panic. A nice lady on the phone recommended the site AutoReturn to me, she was a godsend! I eventually locate the towing company that took my car and give them a call, no one answers. (Even though they're 24 hours) I go to the website to see the charges that would be associated with retrieving my vehicle. Hundreds of dollars + the daily storage fees = I just paid rent and I ain't got it at the moment. Also did I mention that my cat, Leonardo, has pink eye?! And I stopped drinking alcohol last July, so I'm raw dogging life at this point. DIS IS TEW MUCH! I spend the rest of my Saturday night, giving Leo his favorite treats, eating vegan pizza and watching Criminal Minds reruns. I was supposed to do my hair, so that I could hopefully record some new videos today, but I didn't. I then realized 2 things. 1. I could figure out how to make sum' shake or 2. I can continue to let life's inconveniences be a determining factor in whether I show up for myself or not. Something that my therapist recently helped me realize is that I have a compulsion to indirectly create situations that I know I'll be unhappy in. I have to continually remind myself that, "That is not what I want, so I need to try something else." So I have a choice to make. Will I be Walter Mitty or PlanetSyd? I have such a vivid inner world, that I have been constructing with the intention of sharing for a long while. Every time I get ready to take a step forward, there's SOMETHING ELSE that needs to be addressed. I planned to go back to the gym, just to realize that my car is gone and I need to pull hundreds of $$$ out of my ass. Either I can let that situation ruin the rest of my weekend and prevent me from doing what I need to do, or I can keep on pushing. There really is no alternative. I have to remind myself that I want a different outcome and I'm capable of making that happen. It may be harder, but it is possible. It's a fact that I am creative and that have the tools to make a better life for myself, I just have to use them. I'm a fashion designer, I have an innovative makeup brand that I haven't been promoting and I have PlanetSyd! I'm always marinating on new ways to express myself, the difference between me 2 years ago and me now is my willpower. I used to have endless perseverance, but trauma has changed me and that well of perseverance is harder to access. I turn 26 next month and I have done A LOT of surviving to reach this point. I deserve to thrive. My actions need to reflect that attitude. I am always sketching new designs and working on scripts for my channel, but you wouldn't be able to tell because where is the output? I want a community to share my creations with, I just have to cultivate that. That starts with me. So today I am going to walk to the pharmacy to pick up my Prozac, and continue to work on PlanetSyd. What I can control is how I spend my time. I need to be more disciplined with what I do with my time when I'm not at work. Right now my channel has 394 subscribers, I have fabric to sew some cute fits, a phone to share what I want with the world and the opportunity to make some extra money so I can get my car back. I am grateful for what I have and my new perspective to see how I will obtain what I need to succeed instead of letting my anxiety win. I want this to be a message to anyone reading this to stay encouraged!