Syd And The City 002

My soul is starved of reciprocity and my social life kinda sucks. This isn't a new revelation, but it's been really bothering me recently. One thing my therapist has helped me understand is that a person's actions will tell you exactly how they feel about you. If I don't reach out to my father, once every few months, we simply won't talk. I've come to realize that my sibling doesn't really care if I'm apart of certain milestones in her life, she has her idealized version of family and I'm not included in that. That is okay, people don't have to choose me. Everyone has a right to cultivate whatever life they see fit for themselves. I think I've reached a point of acceptance though because I can only control my actions. It's a bittersweet acceptance, but it allows me to turn the page. I deserve community. This compounded with getting ghosted 3 times this week didn't feel great. I matched with Woman A, we exchanged numbers and I eventually setup a date. (I don't care to text any stranger after a certain amount of time, if there isn't a meeting setup. I'm not looking for penpals) We agreed on the time/place and continued on with the convo...and then she stopped responding. I haven't reached back out because I'm not going to beg anyone to go on a first date with me. So another one bites the dust. Essentially the same thing happened with Woman B and Friend Hopeful A too. These are all strangers, so I don't really feel anything besides annoyance, because my time is valuable. But it's best to keep it pushing. I just feel so fatigued from people that I don't want to try anymore. I know that I am such a cool gworl, if a person doesn't care to find out for themselves, that isn't indicative of my worth. Period! I'm starting to wonder if I'm just in the wrong environment and where a better environment would be. Also I wonder if a thriving social life is in the cards for me, I've been somewhat of a loner my entire life, is that just what it is? I don't mind being in my own company, sometimes the silence is deafening though. I need to figure out a way to bend the world to my will.