Vent session :/
...Am I Weird? No, fr!! I feel like I have a good amount of self awareness and this has only improved since being in therapy, but something's just not clicking. I'm not sure if I'm the "problem" or if I'm truly in the wrong environment or both. My social/dating life has been pretty interesting to say the least, but this isn't new. I'm just perplexed because I've been putting a lot of intention into trying to improve this aspect of my life, but I feel like I'm not making any real progress. 80% is content with this version of myself, but the other 20% is "Tell me who I have to be!" (In my Lauryn Hill voice) I like myself, I truly do! I have no problem with being in my own company, but I also want community. I don't subscribe to the idea of changing oneself to appease or attract others, I just want to cultivate a community of people who I genuinely like and vice versa. The older I get, the more I become disappointed in my father and the home life he cultivated. I've always been disillusioned with the idea of adults being decent individuals but disappointment has replaced a lot of anger. Being socialized in an environment where one small thing could spiral into another thing and where I could never do anything right has really impacted how I interact with others. That saddens me, but what can you do? I remember onetime I was probably 12/13 years old and there was bible study that we went to. At bible study they were serving food that couldn't eat due to a food allergy that I have. The teacher said that I didn't have to do too much during bible study since he knew that I couldn't eat the food that was provided. Okay cool, right? No! My father's wife at the time then pulls me out of bible study, yells at me outside of the door and sends me back into class. The teacher looked like he felt awful, but also didn't understand why she was so angry. Bible study concludes and on the way home my dad and his wife are just screaming and cursing at me telling me to shut tf up and then she goes, "You don't need your hair done anymore!" At the time I was getting perms (ewww) and flat irons every 6 weeks or so. Literally from that day forward, they never took me to get my hair done again. Ever, I had to figure out how to do my own hair until I graduated high school. Being a 4c, poor, black girl with unkempt hair resulted in an awful social life at school. At any given moment I could become the butt of the joke or just experience really cruel treatment even from my "friends." I really hate that I grew up in a home where it was cool to not be cool with me. My dads wife hated me, I did not like her either. Fuck that hoe! My dad would watch her dog me tf out and find any reason to fuck with me and he would do NOTHING! He would join in sometimes! I tried to be quiet and keep to myself but that didn't work either, she found any reason to pick a fight with me. When I didn't respond I was disrespectful and when I did respond I was told to stfu. I knew I wasn't tripping when I graduated high school and she hid my diploma. Who tf does that? It disappeared off of my dresser the day after I graduated and my dad eventually found it hidden under some boxes in the living room. He knew it was her, so did I. But he never checked her. I blame my dad, because I didn't know her from a can of paint and it was his job to protect his child. He failed, miserably. And he doesn't care, so the best thing can do for myself is to heal and move on. It's just frustrating because I would love to be in the company of others who I feel genuinely connected to. I feel like as a child, my wants and needs did not matter to anyone. I'm here because I refuse to let myself slip through the cracks. I just hate how hard it can be sometimes when I'm my only cheerleader. I would love to have a chosen family.